My friend was depressed because his 4 year old daughter has gone down home to some city other than LA. He stated that she cried and that just broke his heart. Of course, I know how this feels. I, myself, have a precious daughter. I believe she's an angel. The difference between my friend and I is... He gets to see his daughter whenever he wants. I, on the other hand, am divorced and I have to deal with child custody issues.
I remember the nights that she didn't want to go to her dad's place. I remember when I was dropping her off, she would hold her chest and try not to cry. I let her cry if she wants but I prefer not to see her cry. But her dad doesn't like to see her cry, especially when the reason is me. I remember one day... She was 5 years old. Her little fist was held towards her chest. She was crying but trying so hard not to cry. She told me that her heart hurts. She was telling me that she's crying because she misses me already. When I talk about these things, people start judging me and blaming me. But don't start doing any of those unless you know how my marriage or family life was like.
As I'm writing this blog entry, I had to take out a part of my repressed memory. So now I'm crying. Crying tears of sadness and also anger. I am so frustrated. I had promised that she and I will live happily, just the two of us really soon. But now she's turning 9 this month. This is why I call myself a horrible mother. I am postponing my promise to her. Regardless the reason or excuses I have, I was not able to keep that promise. I am afraid that she will believe that those were empty promises. I am a person who promises only if I can deliver. But I didn't know I was going to take this long. I didn't know she was going to grow up so fast. I can't write anymore. I can't see the screen because I am really pouring out tears now. It just breaks my heart...
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